i jhust puked up my retainher.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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