just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
