the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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