Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
