He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
