I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
