I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
