It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
