You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
