I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
