I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
