I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
