last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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