i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
