So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
