So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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