Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
