our cab driver is having phone sex.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
