and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
