I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
