Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
