btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
