Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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