I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
