I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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