Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
