i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
