can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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