I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
