Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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