My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Please don't give away my fajitas
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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