so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
