today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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