I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
