Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
