Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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