your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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