I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
