i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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