By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
