it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She bit a glass in half.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
