So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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