If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
