The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They took my balls.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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