Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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