i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
