Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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