I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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