I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
