My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
